I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
