u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
