Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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