After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
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