I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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