I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
