if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
