well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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