Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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