Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize