I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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