Cold hands, warm shart.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize