I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
