just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize