He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
