I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
