so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
