Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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