Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
