um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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