No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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