I'm jealous of your bromance
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
