can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
