Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
