i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
