How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
