i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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