Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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