U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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