I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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