so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
