Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
How external is "for external use only"?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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