Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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