half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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