Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
false alarm, still single
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