u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Everclear isn't food dammit
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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