I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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