i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
