Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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