All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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