I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
