He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
