Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
