i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
