well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
