i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Naked Twister starts at high noon
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
