Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
