i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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