you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
