my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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