I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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