I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
