we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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