I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
