made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize