i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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