when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
