I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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