hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I wish I only lived at night.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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