I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
