Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
