my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
